Sex and Comedy

I always have such a great time when I go over to Alisa's for lunch- it just really beats the hell out of staying at the office and watching reruns of the Cosby Show in the conference room.  Now, I think it's not even the Cosby Show, but just Cosby, where it's not even the Huxtables and Doug E. Doug plays their son or something like that.  To this I say "no thank you."  Today we talked about the fact that I need to get some action, some play, some whatever the hell you call it.  I believe my exact words were "I need to get laid."  I've said this before, but it always sounds funny to me b/c I don't think that I put out the vibe of being a slut or even very sexual for that matter.  But I'm a woman, and I have needs.  I'm so immature.  I still laugh everytime I say "I want to do him" or any reference to "doing it."  Why do I think this is hilarious, I don't know,  I just go with it.  I must warn any suitors- I don't think I'm really awesome at the sex, I'd say I'm mediocre at best.  I don't know if I should so openly divulge that info.  As my mom says, "Not everyone can be good at everything"- but I don't think she had this in mind.  I've always thought of myself as a good kisser, until the last guy I kissed.  We just didn't kiss well and it made me doubt myself.  But now I'm convinced it was all him.  I was always scared to put my tongue in there- it was like I was outside a lion's cage with a stick- I would barely put it in and he would attack, then I would retreat, wait a moment, then prepare to go in again, until after a few times I showed the lion I was his friend, he didn't have to bite me.  By this point, I didn't want to play with the lion anymore.  I'm so bad at metaphors, yet obsessed with them.  I wish I could only speak in metaphors, like a little Dr. Phil.  My Dr. Phil impression involves just making up sayings that don't make sense whatsoever..ex:  "You can take a rat out of the cage but you can't stick a needle in a haystack."   Huh?  I never said I was good at impressions.  I used to have a few bad impressions I really sucked at so much it was funny- Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Child, and a few others I can't remember.  So bad, so bad.  I also had a lame comedy routine I performed for my friends one night when we were drunk...I think it began with "So, that Micheal Jackson's weird, right?"  What was I thinking? 
Reagan